Monday, January 26, 2009

Hidey ho! And a very happy Australia Day, etc. etc. We have spent it lounging about, trying to frantically organise a trip which is now less than two weeks away, and having a barbeque on the deck (because it would be un-Austrayan not to). In response to the comments on the previous post, may I present:

A random selection of the worst resumes to be received by anyone, ever!
  • People who don't live in Australia. Seriously, how are you going to come in for an interview if you live in Jerusalem? And I am all for equal opportunity, but closer than 14000km to your place of employment is kind of a requirement.

  • The girl who was fresh from high school, and listed her qualities as follows:

    quick learner, good with customers, fast learner,

    Never mind the fact that she's left a comma at the end, suggesting she meant to put some other qualities down but couldn't be arsed. I'm more interested in the fact that she has put the same quality down twice, with a replacement synonymous adjective. I can only think that she must be trying to really stress the point.

  • People whose cover letters read like Nigerian e-mail scams.

    Hello, Friend. I write you in respect, trust and humanity and honourably seek your assistance (etc.)

    Funnily enough, from somebody in Nigeria. Please refer to first point about living a bit too far away for the job.

  • People who have managed to submit an application for the wrong job entirely. "I am very interested in this job with the Police Service." Eh? What?

  • People who stress their religious beliefs in their resume. I don't want to know about the many times you have participated in church activities. And yes, I see that Reverend FancyPants is listed as your referee. And if your Employment Objective says something about following God's will then I am officially put off. Nobody wants a Bible basher in their team, really. Harsh but true.
That's all I can come up with right now. I seem to have already pushed the others out of my memory. I must've gone to my happy place to escape the pain.

And the best:

Actually, I'm not sure I can do a list of these, because the good ones all had the same qualities. Detailed, thorough responses to the criteria which showed that they hadn't just submitted a generic resume which had probably been submitted for a hundred others. Experience that was relevant, or wording that made it seem so. Correct spelling and grammar. And that's really about it.

Doesn't seem so exceptional, really.

On the subject of shitty, ridiculous government selection criteria, the great truth behind it is...

It is absolute bollocks. Buzzwords, jargon, bullshit, fluff. The people doing the shortlisting will most likely just have a sheet of paper with a few different boxes that they need to tick. If you mention the magic words, and apply them to your work experience, then you get a tick. Enough ticks equals an interview (and the bullshit of the interview is worth a blog post in itself). If you look at the key words, and write something which specifically mentions that skill in relation to your work experience, tick.

Of course, it then all comes down to who is doing the shortlisting. If it is an absolute twat, then good luck.

This weekend I have found myself putting these new found skills to use on an application of my own. I've decided to apply for a job within the same agency I currently work for, which will see me working in a more technical, system-based environment (no people management, no customers, hoorah!), but with a 10k paycut. Ouch. But hooray! But ouch.

The recruitment agent from the other day is also chasing me "to discuss options", so we will see what happens.

I think I seriously just need to go into business for myself and leave this bullshit behind.


Mark said...

Wow, thanks! I'm guessing that the people applying from overseas are trying to get visas, but don't have the skills to get the kind of job where international applicants are accepted. So I can understand that. But re: personal qualities - that just shouldn't be on your resume in the first place. You might as well write "I HAVE NO REAL SKILLS OR QUALIFICATIONS" on the back of a beer mat and mail that in.

Weird stuff. Looking forward to hearing about the interviews when you get round to it (?) Good luck with your job applications!

Lucy said...

If you do start your own business you should hire me as the coffee wench/dog walker.

I realise you don't have a dog but we could fix that.

RAT said...

Mark, the personal qualities bit is what I was referring to when I said that it's made me re-think my own resume. I used to include a personal qualities section, but no more. Looking at other peoples, I just skipped over them, and made pfft noises. And I've done one interview and the poor boy almost crapped himself, but they are not going to give me anymore (sob) because it coincides with the Thailand trip. And thanks! Unsure what will come out of it, but figured it was worth a shot.

Lucy, it's a deal! I'm not sure I want a dog though, but I have a pet bird? You could put a little leash on him and let him fly along beside the car, or something. And I am thinking of starting something ebay-ish. If only I could think of something to sell...