Friday, October 10, 2008

My phone delivers messages from the other world. It will beep, and it will say that I have a new voicemail message, when I am 100% sure that my phone has not actually rung. These random voicemail messages are generally wrong numbers. But not just any wrong numbers. I once listened to five minutes of a young girl crying and wailing "mummmmmmmyyyyyyyyyyyy". And this morning, a child left a message, once again crying, and saying "hello? Hello? HELLO??!?!?"

FREAKING ME THE HELL OUT.

These are obviously messages from beyond the grave. Or if someone is playing a cruel prank, how are they putting these voicemail messages on my phone without it actually ringing? OH MAN.

After this lovely start to my Day Off, I went to the doctor, to get a new prescription for the No Babies Pill. I hate paying $50 to see a doctor, only to walk out with a slip of paper, but despite my best efforts I just couldn't think of any far-fetched afflictions to give myself. So the doctor prints out the piece of paper, and I say:

"Oh, don't suppose I could have a prescription for six months instead of three?"

Before I go on, this was the first time I had seen this doctor, as my normal one (who has seen my private parts) was not available.

Doctor: No, it only comes in one or three months.
Me: Oh. No worries.
Doctor: I think it is probably because a girl DIED from being on the pill not too long ago. So it is forcing you to see your doctor on a more regular basis.
Me: [gobsmacked]
Dr. Death: The pill gives you problems with blood clots, you see.
Me: Um.
Dr. Evil: OH, hehehe, hope I haven't worried you now. Hehehe.

THANKS.

I then went for my follow-up dentist appointment and received the Best. News. Ever! I don't have to have my wisdom teeth out, at least not for a bloody long time. They took an x-ray of my head and I discovered that I don't have three wisdom teeth, I have four, and the last one is hidden up in my jaw somewhere. Yes! I am a freak! But all is well, so I dished out more cash and then danced a dance of JOY!

So that was my day complete, but then whilst on my dental hygiene buzz I decided to go to the chemist and buy some mouthwash. I left the shopping centre three hours later, with a haircut, dresses, various hair products, jelly beans, underwear, a magazine and shoes. Oh, and mouthwash. And where I am EVER going to wear red, five-inch snakeskin stilettos, I DON'T KNOW. That's right, I have shoes that were made out of a snake.

And now, I am way poor.

4 comments:

Mark said...

"I searched Youtube for Kimya Dawson, and I have now discovered that I can be famous! I won't even bother trying to improve any further."

Burn! I owe you a high five for that one.

Can you tell us specifically why you don't need your wisdom teeth out? Because maybe I can use the same excuse on my dentist when she takes x-rays of me.

lucy said...

Dude, those shoes are awesome. You need to have a lady date to wear them to.

Also my doctor gives me no sympathy, at any time. If an arm fell off she would tell me about the patient whose head fell off and I should feel lucky.

Yeah, thanks lady doctor.

phishez said...

Yeah, but those shoes are HAWT and sooo worth it!

RAT said...

Mark, no excuses, I swear! In fact, I even went in there completely convinced that I would be booking a few weeks off work for the purpose of major mouth recovery. It just turned out that when they took the x-ray, the wisdom tooth that was formerly crooked has straightened up on its own (oh tooth, how I love thee). The dentist asked me if they cause me trouble, and they're not, at the moment. So he just told me to keep them clean. Whoo!

Lucy, that is exactly what I was thinking. I need some Sex and the City friends, STAT. I went out with some girls on the weekend and we all dressed like hobos and wore Comfortable Shoes. This will not do!

Phishez, thanks missy, this shoe love gives me the warm fuzzies. If a year passes and it turns out I haven't worn them once, please punch me.